I have nothing

I so many problems that I wish can all go away. But I know that is not going to happen unless the Almighty steps in and destroys this system. The people that I talk to about my problems can show concern, but when I really think about it, they don't give a fuck about me. I know they mean well when they sit down with me and listen. However they're not going to let me ruin what they have just to make me feel better. Sometimes I wish people can be honest with me and let me know that they don't care. That can at least save me the future pain so that when I need someone I know not to call them.

No matter what, other people have something in their lives that is there to show them that they have someone or something. They may have family problems, but they have their boyfriend or girlfriend to tell them that its going to be alright. If they have relationship problems they have family, friends, or relatives that'll support them to the end. Or if everyone around them fails they have a job or the skills that will move them away from all the misery so that they can start something new.

I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. My family showed its true colors the other day. My father showed me that he is an asshole. Not only is he a woman-beater but a person who gave up on me a long time ago. The only person I have to thank is Jehovah, who convinced my mother that I was actually an asset to her. My brother believes he knows everything and is turning into a douchbag every second of the day. The thing that really sets me off is that he picks up some girl that is just slowly taken away my brother from me. He talks to me about his relationship problems and its obvious that he's not ready for a serious relationship or marriage. My sister is like fruitloops in the pocket of a 4 year old. She's such a sweetheart. I just wish that she wasn't raised by people who are so unstable and untrustworthy. I can see the propaganda that my father is just drilling into her and the "douchebagness" that my brother is rubbing off on her. I can already see their actions in her being directed toward me and its only a matter of time before a 10 year old tells me I'm useless. Most of all I see the worst of my mother in her. My mother gives up way too easily. When everyone and everything is within her grasp she throws it all away. People show so much concern for her and ask about her all the time. I wish she would realize how much people want to be her friend and show that they care. However she is ready to drop them like hot cakes because she thinks that they are plotting against her. Even when opportunities comes across, she shows so much "chicken-shit" that I find myself giving up on her. I have nothing

I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. My life is pointless. I'm going to college to be an engineer. I've been at it for almost 5 years now. All I have to show for it is a shitty Associates Degree. That doesn't matter in this economy, and I know that. I'm continuing to go for my bachelors. But there's always something or someone who wants to disrupt the little flow I have going. The other day my father ask for his check back for my tuition and told me to go find a job. Just like that. He asked for his check back just like that. That told me that it was in his heart from the beginning that he had no hope for me and has given up on me. Meanwhile he's trying to turn my brother against me by telling him that I'm not serious about school. Deep down I know that my brother is on his side. I have nothing.

I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. Why does everyone have someone to love romantically, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually? I'm tired of meeting a girl who I would like to get to know more, only find out that she's has a boyfriend. This always happens to me. I just want a girl for myself who I can run too and tell her everything. She in turn can run to me and tell me anything. I want someone just to hold and cuddle with. I just want someone to kiss soft and hard. I just want someone to take somewhere beautiful and just share the moment like the city lights or a mountain scenery. I just want someone that I can look at when she's not looking and admire her beauty and just say in my mind, "that girl is mine and in her mind she belongs to me." I just want someone that I know in the future that I can buy a ring and ask her to marry me and she would say yes even before I ask the question. I just want someone to grow old with. But I have nothing.

What's the use?

Nothing is sacred anymore. I need to leave this place. NYC is making me feel like shit everyday. I feel so confined and lonely. Almost everyday I stay the house most of the day and sleep, watch TV, surf the web, and eat fatty foods. The depression and anger I feel is too controlled that I think my hair on my head is thinning out. A 21 year old loosing hair - now thats something. Sometimes I would just stand there in the mirror and look at myself. What do I see? I see failure. I see my chapped lips. I see the patch that starting to form on my head. I see someone who is low and weak.

But what about friends? There should be someone your able to talk to about the way you feel. Yea, right, if I had friends. I have an unlimited plan with unlimited talk and text. How can I take advantage of that when all the calls I make go unanswered? Or the texts I send get a one word reply or no reply at all? To think I can trust certain people I wind up getting betrayed. The mask they put on in front of me starts to melt away like wax and there I meet the monster they really are. Even if there is a glimmer if hope when I find the right friend either two things happen; they're either too busy to even acknowledge I'm trying to be a good friend or some douche comes along and takes away the only good friends I have left. Nothing is sacred anymore.

I just want to leave this place. This disgusting filth full of fakes, douches, betrayers, and just plain evil. I need to get out. The most happiest I felt in a while was being able to fly to Phoenix, Arizona by myself. The feeling to be able to just leave NYC and travel to some place different where no one knows me and meet new people. Thats what I need in my life. I need to travel and keep moving. I've been in one place too long. I come to realize its best not to attach myself to people so that I won't get hurt, at least not for now. But I need to work on me before I decide to settle into something. I can't live this way. Jehovah help me to work on me.

21

I thought of all the things I've seen, experienced, and done in the last minutes of being 21. I came up with a few. Most important things were spiritual, which shows that Jehovah is still a big part in my life. I want it to remain that way forever.

Quiet Screams

I went to a friends party today. The party started at 4pm and I was there at 4pm. Obviously when you tell people to come at a certain time they end up coming 2 hours late. I helped her father out with some stuff and then sat around. I said hi to some people who I knew but they never had any conversation with me. My friend went and mingle with her guests and laugh and play around with them. But I still sat there looking at the different people I don't know. The air was getting a little chilly so I got some food and went inside. I had some laughs with my friends little sister who was showing me some funny videos from a show on nickelodeon. Then she went off and did here own thing. So there I was there still sitting there and watching other people having fun. As the depression and boredom slowly start to slip in, I take my phone and played with it a little and put it away. Then the realization comes back to me and after sitting around for 4 hours, I leave.

No matter what I do, nobody likes me anyway.

The Power People Use

There is a certain power God gives us. Oh man, this is such power. We all have it and we use it on one another. Whats is this power? It is the power of making someone fall in love with you. With it you can get a person to dream about you and look at you with through a whole different light. The person will start acting 'funny' and will even try to hard and not even try at all to get to you. Not to be a comedian but, with great power comes great responsibility.

However you can chose what you want to do with this power. You can use it for good and for evil. Use it for good and you can give that person closure and make their dreams a reality. That person will treat you right and you both will love each other for the rest of your lives. Use it for evil, and every bad little thing you do or say will be like a huge wave crashing down on that person. Evil people will also use that power to get what they want out of the person until they are useless as a 10 year old mop.

We all have this power, use it but don't abuse it.

My friend's squeeze

Today I got to meet my friend's fiance. The day before I was just dreading fo rthis day but today I was actually a little excited. He's been through a lot for a 46 year old man. So I really wanted him to finally settle down with a person who would treat him right. He picked me up from class and had me sit in the backseat. I was actually surprised he made me sit there so early, but anyway I just sat there (more room for me). On the way there we got lost and I saw deer for the first time in my life. Right then and there I began to appreciate nature and all the things Jehovah created. My friend decided to stop and ask a man who was peddling his bicycle uphill. Even though the man was in the zone, he decided to help us on our way. I was there thinking to myself being in the city is so easy for me, but I don't think I would manage in such an open place where I would have to drive for miles and miles. After getting the right directions, we ended on a parkway and then into a town. My friend decided not to take chances, he picked up someone who was waiting for the bus. Whe the man got in the car he smelled of cigarettes. I was being cautious, cause I've seen so many movies when person pickup a hitchhiker and then it doesn't turn out to well. After awhile he seemed safe since he was unsure of the area too. The man kept calling his girlfriend to make sure we heading in the right direction. Oh by the way, with all this driving i began to regret drinking all the water in class, cause boy I had to pee! We dropped the man off to the bus station and while my friend got directions I went to the restroom in one of the buses. That thing stunk, but I held my breath and used it. After making sure we were heading the right way, we pulled off and drove to the comfort inn.

When we went inside, he called for her at the front desk and in a few minutes she came down. From then on I was observing the both of them. Yes for the fact I was a chaperone, but also to see if they were meant for each other. During the rest of the even my friend being the joker he is, did his flirting thing to make her laugh and smile. There were times it got quiet for a few minutes, but then it picked up back again. She was pretty cute for a 41 year old woman. Cute face, but I did notice her big behind which I rate from a scale of 1-10 a 7. The squeeze did carry the Ohio accent which i found very interesting, cause met someone from Ohio and they didn't sound like that. But then again people in queens sound different from people in the Bronx. As I listen to them conversate, I don't know, I didn't really feel that much from them. I guess it's the fact that they're two older people and more mature so they don't have have the 'puppy dog love' that I'm used to seeing with people my age. After we ate we dropped her back to the motel and my friend walked her inside while I sat in the car and waited.

While in the car, I opened a compartment in the backseat and reached into the trunk and pulled out my zune from my backpack. As I sat there listening to my music, I just thought about my future. The drive home was quiet, I still sat in the back and listened to my music and text my friends. My friend and his squeeze. I think they're going to make it.....

Rainy Day

Today I woke up late, like I usually do when I have nothing to do. I always get angry at myself when I wake up late. When I was younger I used to wake early as 5am and jog in the park that's only a block away from me. I wanted to wake up early today, especially on this day. My favorite band was playing on the Today show in Rockefeller Center. Usually late days like this make me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. If I had only woken up earlier made my way to the subway and stood there in the rain just to see them. That would made up for all the failures, the laziness, the weakness, the scars from bro-......maybe later. This goes to my new friend baniña, the drain you get yourself into, it will spit you out.